Minding my Mind

I’m forever amazed by the huge percentage of women’s lives that is driven by feelings of guilt. It is such an all-pervasive emotional undercurrent for so many of us that we often don’t realize how much of our behavior is ruled by it.

It’s the “should-a, would-a, could-a” syndome. How often do we say things like: I “should” call xxx back even though I don’t want to… I need to be polite to the telemarketer even though they’re pushy and rude … I’m a loser because I “could” have done xxx and didn’t and so this is all my fault … If I “would” have been a better (lover, listener, friend, worker, etc. etc. etc) things would be better… And I feel really guilty and like a schmuck because of it.

This, of course, isn’t anything new — it’s been written about by far more experienced and knowledgeable people than me. But it’s a constant source of amazement how often and where I see it operating in myself.

For example, I have a job that involves lots of starting and stopping – busy periods followed by very light periods. And after a year of this, I still feel guilty when I’m not busy, even though it has finally dawned on me that I have little or no control over it. But the underlying guilt remains. And quietly erodes my sense of self worth and pride – even though I recognize it’s quite silly.

It’s definitely a habit – a conditioned way of thinking and being that I’ve been working to resolve for a long, long time. Even though I’m far less prone to it than I used to be, it still stuns me when I recognize how much of what I do and why I do it still happens because of it.

In watching the people around me, it’s so clear that the same is true for many others, as well. It’s one of the things that bothers me about our culture — We raise our girls in such a way that most grow up feeling guilty about even being in the world — as if there’s such a deep-seated wrongness about them that they don’t even deserve to take up space – never mind deserving to have the basic joys of life.

How did it all go so wrong?

It’s summer and it’s beautiful. Western Washington is incredibly lovely country and being here in the summer when it’s in the mid-70s, dry and sunny is amazing. Every summer I remember why I endure so many months of gray and rain.

And every summer, when the days become bright again, I’m reminded once again about how much of my bouts with depression are simply due to lack of light. Although I’ve learned to use full spectrum lights in the dark seasons, it is nowhere near the same as being flooded with sunlight.

It makes me wonder once again about the relationship between the body and the mind. While I completely accept and believe that the state of your thoughts reflects the state of your mind and body, I’ve also learned the hard way that changing those things isn’t so simple.

I grapple regularly with trying to understand where the balancing point is between depressive thinking that can be changed and the point at which hormones and neurotransmitters are so out of whack that medication is the only thing that helps.

After many years of trying to move out of the depression on my own, I finally spoke to a doctor about it this past winter and was stunned to find out that most people who wake up depressed in the morning have a hormonal imbalance; whereas those who become depressed during the day are often being affected by the events in their lives. What an insight that was! For me, it’s always been an issue of waking up a mess and spending the rest of my day working to improve how I feel.

So I finally went on antidepressants and was stunned at how quickly it helped.

Then the sun came out and my mood elevated, and I’ve now been able to go off the medication. I’m hoping that now I’m stable enough to be able to maintain and build on it before the darkness returns.

But, as always, it makes me wonder where the tipping point is where someone can help themselves through changing their habits and thinking patterns on their own (which has never worked consistently for me – but I know worked beautifully for so many people) and where it becomes so much of a physical issue that medication is needed.

If you’ve read this far and are interested in these things, there is a really good book on the brain called “The Brain That Changes Itself” that is a fascinating look at what they’ve figured out about how the brain works. It’s very worth reading.

paintg do's and don'ts

Having spent most of my life as a renter and not an owner, there are certain basic tricks about simple home updates that I’m learning. Thought I’d share them with you

1. Using spray paint with a fan on is a really BAD idea
2. Wearing shoes when spray painting is a really GOOD idea unless you want your feet to match the paint color
3. Flipping over items covered in wet paint with your bare fingers is a BAD idea
4. Keeping a dog who likes to drink anything at least 500 feet away from where you’re working is a GOOD idea

Somehow I have a feeling this list will grow and grow and grow…..

I’m old enough to remember the energy crisis of the ’70s – and all of hoopla and concern about the growing use of foreign oil – our dependence on the middle east – and everybody swearing that “something must be done!” As a very young woman, I remember being grateful that I didn’t have to worry about it because I lived in Chicago and could take rapid transit inexpensively anywhere and at any time with ease.

It was exciting to hear about all of the inventions for solar power, electric cars and all sorts of other alternative energy ideas that were happening and prototypes that got developed.

Fast forward 30 years. The only thing that changed was that it got worse. Washington sat on its collective butt and refused to actually deal with any of it in any kind of meaningful way.

Enter T Boone Pickens. It fascinates me that this man, who is insanely wealthy from oil and years of corporate raiding, has stepped in and is spending lots of his own money to try to get Washington moving. His plan isn’t all that radical – it’s totally possible, but will take a commitment from Washington – which is another way of saying that if we, as citizens, don’t keep pounding the need to do something on their heads REGULARLY for YEARS, nothing will probably happen this time, either. The hoopla will die down, Washington heads will duck and cover, and nothing of meaning will change.

So – you will rarely see me proselytizing for anything — but I’d seriously encourage you to go to take a look at what Pickens is up to and sign up for his newsletter. My guess is that there will be lots of ways in the future to keep legislators reminded about this with a simple click of the mouse. If we don’t sit on them, nothing will happen this time, either

Here’s the link: www.pickensplan.com/ – you can also find it on the sidebar

This morning I received yet another bid for donations from the local Democratic party. So far, it’s averaging about 2 calls a week. Apparently, since I attended the first and second Democratic caucus here in Washington, they’ve now decided I’m a loyal Democratic who will want to join in with them on “the party agenda.”

I explained to this sincere young worker (as I have explained to every one that has called so far) that I’m not a Democrat. I’m an independent. Just because I’m supporting Barack Obama this time around does not automatically mean that I’m going to buy into an entire platform. Some of them have seemed bewildered by this.

It bothers me immensely that the parties are much more interested in sustaining themselves than they are in discovering the will of the people.

For those who don’t live in Washington, you might find it enlightening to know that both parties are now, once again, taking the will of the people to court. First, it was to make sure that everybody registered for a particular party. Washington then passed a top-2 rule that said the top two vote-getters, no matter party they’re from, will be on the ballot.

So once again the parties, in a case of total self-interest, are taking it to court.

Never mind that people might actually WANT to vote for individuals, rather than a platform. No, no, no – the “parties” in all of their righteous goodness must preserve themselves no matter what. Even if the will of the people get over-ridden.

I’m not seeing much democracy in our democratic process lately.

Maybe I’ll move to Canada.

I have two dogs – China and Chelsea. They are, quite simply, beautiful!

I’ve decided that dogs are the best self management training tool anyone can possibly have. They’re such wonderful mirrors of us — if I’m feeling all emotional and out of control, they both act out in their unique ways. When I’m feeling centered, grounded, and stable, they’re perfect models of good canine behavior.

Who needs therapy? Get a dog!

The Girls at Play

I’m watching one of the morning news shows and am good and thoroughly disgusted with the so-called “coverage” of political events.  This election is far, far too important to our nation and our future for this kind of useless garbage.

The huge percent of “political coverage” that has more to do with “what if” and “how will this affect” discussions is really making me mad.  What a waste of air space!  Perhaps it’s a sign of my age and what news was when I grew up, but theoretical conversations about what might happen is not news – it’s editorializing.

This morning’s “what if” was about Jesse Jackson’s hot mike comment about wanting to cut Obama’s nuts off for his faith-based initiative program.  The 3-second clip played many times, followed by a solid 10 minutes of “will this help or hurt” discussions with so-called experts – argh!  Where, exactly, is the news in this?????

What happened to the good ol’ days when the news covered what actually occurred?  What somebody actually did or said?  This morning’s blurb about Obama ALMOST forgetting to ask for money from his supporters for Clinton’s campaign does not count – it’s yet another “almost” that didn’t happen but got air space – what a waste of air.

It’s maddening that very few “news” organizations are airing what the candidates really have to say or what they actually do — unless, of course, it involves something unimportant such as one of them playing basketball or going to a b-b-q or something equally irrelevant.

While I do think it’s very true that we get the government we deserve in a democracy, a big hunk of this can also be placed squarely at the feet of the news organizations who, by nature of their charter, have to be more focused on making money than on actually providing useful information to anyone.

This does not bode well for our future