The Habit of Guilt

I’m forever amazed by the huge percentage of women’s lives that is driven by feelings of guilt. It is such an all-pervasive emotional undercurrent for so many of us that we often don’t realize how much of our behavior is ruled by it.

It’s the “should-a, would-a, could-a” syndome. How often do we say things like: I “should” call xxx back even though I don’t want to… I need to be polite to the telemarketer even though they’re pushy and rude … I’m a loser because I “could” have done xxx and didn’t and so this is all my fault … If I “would” have been a better (lover, listener, friend, worker, etc. etc. etc) things would be better… And I feel really guilty and like a schmuck because of it.

This, of course, isn’t anything new — it’s been written about by far more experienced and knowledgeable people than me. But it’s a constant source of amazement how often and where I see it operating in myself.

For example, I have a job that involves lots of starting and stopping – busy periods followed by very light periods. And after a year of this, I still feel guilty when I’m not busy, even though it has finally dawned on me that I have little or no control over it. But the underlying guilt remains. And quietly erodes my sense of self worth and pride – even though I recognize it’s quite silly.

It’s definitely a habit – a conditioned way of thinking and being that I’ve been working to resolve for a long, long time. Even though I’m far less prone to it than I used to be, it still stuns me when I recognize how much of what I do and why I do it still happens because of it.

In watching the people around me, it’s so clear that the same is true for many others, as well. It’s one of the things that bothers me about our culture — We raise our girls in such a way that most grow up feeling guilty about even being in the world — as if there’s such a deep-seated wrongness about them that they don’t even deserve to take up space – never mind deserving to have the basic joys of life.

How did it all go so wrong?

 

Musings on Moods

It’s summer and it’s beautiful. Western Washington is incredibly lovely country and being here in the summer when it’s in the mid-70s, dry and sunny is amazing. Every summer I remember why I endure so many months of gray and rain.

And every summer, when the days become bright again, I’m reminded once again about how much of my bouts with depression are simply due to lack of light. Although I’ve learned to use full spectrum lights in the dark seasons, it is nowhere near the same as being flooded with sunlight.

It makes me wonder once again about the relationship between the body and the mind. While I completely accept and believe that the state of your thoughts reflects the state of your mind and body, I’ve also learned the hard way that changing those things isn’t so simple.

I grapple regularly with trying to understand where the balancing point is between depressive thinking that can be changed and the point at which hormones and neurotransmitters are so out of whack that medication is the only thing that helps.

After many years of trying to move out of the depression on my own, I finally spoke to a doctor about it this past winter and was stunned to find out that most people who wake up depressed in the morning have a hormonal imbalance; whereas those who become depressed during the day are often being affected by the events in their lives. What an insight that was! For me, it’s always been an issue of waking up a mess and spending the rest of my day working to improve how I feel.

So I finally went on antidepressants and was stunned at how quickly it helped.

Then the sun came out and my mood elevated, and I’ve now been able to go off the medication. I’m hoping that now I’m stable enough to be able to maintain and build on it before the darkness returns.

But, as always, it makes me wonder where the tipping point is where someone can help themselves through changing their habits and thinking patterns on their own (which has never worked consistently for me – but I know worked beautifully for so many people) and where it becomes so much of a physical issue that medication is needed.

If you’ve read this far and are interested in these things, there is a really good book on the brain called “The Brain That Changes Itself” that is a fascinating look at what they’ve figured out about how the brain works. It’s very worth reading.